This is my FightStory that I shared with over 1,500 people from my company on September 15, 2022 Those of you who know me personally know I’m open about my challenges with mental health For those of you who don’t know me after this you will I want to introduce you to a couple of my friends Depression and Anxiety There are good days when I feel normal (whatever that means) and there are bad days where these emotions cover every aspect of my life like a heavy wet blanket suffocating me, blocking out the light and separating me from anything or anyone I have a connection with 10 Hours of sleep a night 2 different medications 2.5 pills a day For the past 782 days … this time and for now You might be thinking this is too personal or that this talk is meant to be about work but for me I don’t separate work Jonah from personal Jonah there is just Jonah It’s hard to live with these challenges and it’s hard to be so vulnerable with all of you – but this talk is me practicing one of my greatest beliefs. The power of vulnerability It’s also a story of perspective – it’s a story of fucking up but it’s also a story of the power of connection and the beauty of a little gesture Almost 3 years ago when Covid hit us all – Dementia also hit my mother She lived in America and I live in Thailand. For a year she hung in there beautifully stubborn living alone and refusing to let anyone help take care of her But 1 year into Covid it was clear my mothers beautiful stubbornness was losing the battle to dementia and I decided it was time to bring her to live with me in Thailand Around the time my mom started to lose her fight with dementia – my wife started a fight of her own. It began with weird issues, one day losing her balance, the next day her vision became blurred then became clear again – We were worried but didn’t think much of it until the day her favorite cup fell out of her hand and shattered – the cup was a gift from my son and had the words WORLDS BEST MOM on it. After seeing a half dozen doctors, running hundreds of tests and countless sleepless nights we learned news that left us shattered much like my wife’s favorite mug. 3 days before flying to the US to get my mother my wife was diagnosed with MS, a disease like dementia that has no cure. For the sake of time I’ll fast forward through finding out a con man was trying to steal all my mom’s money, bringing her to Thailand, being in quarantine – and her having a stroke, being hospitalized for a month – my son moving fully to online school – and all of this against the backdrop of my wife continuingly deteriorating conditions as we tried to find the right treatment for her Up until this point – my 2 friends Depression and anxiety were chilling and we were living together amicably but then the wet blanket descended upon my life covering me, blocking me from the connections I needed most at this time. I was losing my sense of belonging my sense of belonging with my family, with my work, even with myself I was slowly disappearing and that’s when I too started to lose my own fight. Losing this sense of belonging alerted me to the fact it was time to welcome back 2 old friends into my life – those 2 friends were my medications for anxiety and depression – 2 times a day – everyday. Like with most medications there are side effects and the one that affects me the most is sleepiness. My medications knock me out – like Mike Tyson (or Angela Lee) knocked out their opponents. To be able to function in the morning I need COFFEE – just kidding I need to take my meds by 8pm so I can get a full 10 hours of sleep and function the next morning – and I also need COFFEE. I was working HARD – throwing myself into the challenge – actually opportunity of my new role at work. I loved it – because I saw it as an honor to take care of the thing I cared most about at our company – my colleagues and to be doing so during one of the most challenging times of all our collective covid lives felt truly meaningful. Up until this point I was practicing my beliefs – I was working hard and I was also practicing vulnerability by letting those at my company whom I worked closely with know the challenges I was facing. But I FUCKED up My failure was not living my beliefs My failure was suffering in silence My failure was not sharing my limitations with the people who could help When I look back at it now it’s actually kind of funny I communicated almost everything I was going through and received full support But between the madness of everything I was trying to manage and the internal pressure I was putting on myself I failed to tell anyone that I had to go back on meds! And I never communicated my limitations of being on the medications So it happened – we’re a global company – operating in a global capacity and as some of you may know that means sometimes we need to work late (or early) The late night meetings started to pile up 1 time a week 2 times a week 3-4 times a week It created a vicious cycle – I couldn’t take my meds because I had to stay up for late night meetings, but I still had to wake up early in the morning to help my family and to get to work on time And do all of this while exhausted – and no amount of coffee could help I hit a wall but I didn’t want to let those around me down, I didn’t want to let my colleagues down, I didn’t want to let my company down but I couldn’t go on So I raised the issue with one of my leaders and to my surprise it was literally a 5 min talk where we agreed that the late night meetings could be limited to everyone’s benefit! My biggest failure was not pausing to recognize where I was letting myself down And by not being willing to ask for help I was not creating the space to see the beauty of those around me Here’s the thought I want to leave you with Take care of yourself – practice what you believe – And believe in the power of vulnerability But beyond that – believe in those safe people around you Believe in your circle Because I know what it feels like to feel alone Often times the problem in our heads feels so BIG to us and we might even feel the help we need from others might be even BIGGER But there is a chance There is a chance that others won’t find helping you that BIG and by taking the opportunity to tell them you will probably even find that they will genuinely want to help you Here is what I’ve learned most My definition of All-In is vulnerability Because vulnerability leads to trust And trusting those around you creates a sense of belonging And it’s this vulnerability, trust and belonging that makes me MOST proud to be part of this company. – Jonah
Photo by Stormseeker on Unsplash