When I first picked up combat sport. I practiced it with the intention of strengthening my mind, willpower and unwavering desire, so that no matter what emotions I would feel, my mind could overcome it.Especially a mind that is constantly tempted by some of the 7 deadly sin.I was bullied, constantly, when i was a boy not because i was afraid ,but from the early age of my life, patience has been instilled in me by my mother,she would say, “a true warrior are those who has patience in their heart”.But when i grew into a young teenager,i walk the path of vices and crime because i learned that being patience is not only painful,it is heart wrenching,damaging and was shamed on.I felt robbed of my dignity as a human.As a young boy I did not know any better.It was not robbed,It was given.It is not shameful for shame requires an act so abhorrent that it undignifies the person of all that makes them human.To this day however i still believe to be patience is to endure pain.And that is why to be kind to those who are not are an act of the strong.The fitness and the skills are bonuses to me. Fast forward to 5 years later, I found myself in a very fast, demanding environment. An environment where there is no space to heal. I found myself in a place where I’m in a constant battle of dreams and failure. There was never in between. With each failure I was left broken and damaged. From my first sacrifice to my first heartbreak, to my first addiction, to my first failed business attempt, to my first betrayal of friendship, to my first naysayer, to my first anxiety, to my first panic attack, to my first of one too many. Again and again, I rebuild, restart and reprogram myself, through many different channels. Be it new knowledge, new inspirations, new circle of friends, new mentality. By then I have completely stopped any form of exercise. So, my body and mind grew weak overtime. While my desire I programmed and nurtured to be relentless, I maintained its strength. With so many battles, and sacrifices that comes with the ambition I seek. My desire for a better future changes overtime without me realizing. The first thing that changed was my desire to be loved, with so many mistakes. All I wanted was for my family and my friends to not get hurt by me in my pursuit of ambitions anymore, by any means Necessary even if I must sacrifice my light. The guilt that I carried for putting them through so much was only to me can be fixed by doing whatever it takes to make them safe and happy. In the process I lost the love for myself. To see them trading their belief in me and loving me with pain and disappointment, was too much for me to bear. So, my focus shifts to becoming a person who is worthy of their love even if it breaks me. Without me realizing, my desire is now for them and not for myself. The ultimate sacrifice I made was to forsake my heart. For what I thought, I was fighting for my dreams, I was truly fighting for them. During this period of my life, with every success I achieved there was no recognition, praise or acknowledgement. And I think it was expected of me, since they did see the potential from the beginning. Because they were right about me, and with every failure the disappointment was deafening, I kept beating myself up with “What did I do wrong.” Before long I developed a habit of looking for my mistake, the missing piece in my pursuit of making them proud of me. While battling, trust issues, heartbreak and panic attacks. In my 5th year, the pain of breaking and patching, sacrificing and failing, accepting and not accepting, giving and not receiving, understanding and not understood, loving and loving took its toll on me. I lie broken, awake in the dark enduring the pain of being misunderstood of my desire. I kept dreaming of me falling, silenced.Ten years have passed now, two years prior 2021, I got back into working out as my battles fought and won. I had a little time to heal. I got back into working out. Reforge my strength, repaint my dreams. I vow to live for me. I look for where it all began and redo it, this time though I would very much like to do it properly and not repeat the same grave mistakes again. That is when I rediscovered my love for the beauty of martial arts through my beloved gym Fight Pro-Motion. Little did I know my pain is far from over.The attempted suicide is the last draw .When I decided to go to my mother gym,Luktupfah in thailand for peace,to heal and dive deeper into the art of Muay Boran. I knew i will be among family.I felt like it was a safe space to heal.And I did. I reforged my strength,found my laughter and learned to love myself. You see martial is not only meant to hurt or even to kill.It breath life.It itslef is alive and ever evolveving.It is a beauty, it is a story of pain and love it is also a healthy outlet Paired with a very safe space to practice and be vulnerable.To this day,if I feel anxious or sad.Ill practice it with pride,dignity and humility fully intact.
