I first started Muay Thai as a way to overcome trauma. When I was 19, I was sexually assaulted by a family member who I had grown up with and knew well. I only told my parents 6 years later when I was 25, due to suppressing the memory and using a lot of things to try to cope, some of them healthy, some of them not. I worked very hard at university, as a model and in my parents’ restaurant business. I got in the habit of being constantly busy to avoid feeling, I often overworked myself to the point of burn out, my life was a cycle of work and partying. Although I achieved a lot superficially, I felt broken and struggled to find true confidence. It concerned me that this feeling stayed with me as I progressed in my professional career as a lawyer.
I was not perrmitted to speak about my experience with sexual assault previously as my extended family were worried about the implications it would have for the perpetrator. The shame I felt from being silenced in this way led me to self harming behaviour and toxic relationships, I struggled to communicate how I was feeling out of fear of rejection.
After trying so many types of therapies including pharmaceuticals and hospitalisation, I came to the difficult realisation and truth that there was no quick fix and that this trauma was not going to go away magically as much as I hoped it would. This particular incident and the way it was handled left a lasting impact on me and I was beyond desperate to find a solution that was powerful enough to give me a better quality of life and was also sustainable. I realise now it is a privilege to have access to different types of therapies.
I joined a local Muay Thai club and at first I really struggled to regulate my nervous system, at the time my mind and body could not differentiate between different types of stress and combat sports was inherently challenging for me. But through this struggle I slowly and steadily built strength, both physical and mental. Muay Thai gave me a reason to break a lot of bad habits, particularly in respect to eating, sleeping and misuse of substances. For the first time in my life I felt a pull towards self care as oppose to self destruction.
One particular aspect of sexual assault which was difficult for me to overcome was my inability at the time to advocate for myself, say no and resist or fight back. Being a natural empath, I often put the needs of others above my own and I felt that this was a continuous pattern in my life which led me to feel depleted and used in a lot of circumstances.
When I was in the ring I noticed I didn’t get scared because of some of the difficult things I had experienced earlier in life. This I found was my power and so began the process of claiming my power back in a profound way.
I found there was a strong connection between physical, emotional and spiritual aspects of Muay Thai and trauma recovery. My participation in the sport allowed me to rewrite my own internal dialogue and narrative about myself and present this to the world.
In Muay Thai I learned preparation and I connected with safe, competent and strong people I could trust and rely on, something I didn’t feel like I had growing up. Many people in my community knew about the perpetrator’s abuse (there were other survivors who later came forward after I did) so I grew distrustful of everyone around me and cycled between extreme anger and sadness regularly.
Muay Thai was certainly a turning point in my healing journey however sport alone was not enough for me to truly overcome the related illnesses that come with complex trauma. I have now understood trauma is multi-layered and there are certainly medical and scientific components to it that must be understood by survivors and supporters of survivors.
Another turning point for me in my Muay Thai and healing journey was relocating to Thailand for a year to fight professionally whilst working remotely. There is so much beauty in the culture of Muay Thai and this experience in Thailand also gave me the opportunity to test my strength and abilities in a completely new environment. I was also tested by a different way of living and could create a new identity without the weight of a challenging past. In this experience I was reborn as a naksu(warrior) and I felt it was the final step for me in coming out of a dark and lonely period of life. My spirit became strong as well as my mind and body.
I have had to grieve the many years of my life I have lost due to the trauma of experiencing sexaul assault by someone I know, but now I believe I can make the years ahead brighter and better than ever before. My wish is for every survivor of sexual assault to reclaim their power, whatever that may look like for them.
Thank you Fightstory and Angela Lee for creating this space.
Gwynette (GG)