My story is one of perseverance, transformation, and finding myself all over again. It’s never simple knowing where to start with my story, but I do know I won’t stop sharing. Sharing to heal, and to help heal. My story is riddled with redirection and healing. I grew up thinking I had a normal upbringing, but realized that it was riddled in dysfunction. The generational trauma came from both sides and trickled down to affect me. This lead me to accept very abusive and toxic partners, friends and family, while also remaining oblivious to most of my own dysfunction and trauma. Fast forward to 2018, and my exit from a very abusive relationship with a malignant Narcissist. The relationship that kickstarted my healing and recovery. After my ex was arrested, I went into intense trauma therapy and Narcissistic abuse recovery. I was doing great! But it’s easy to do great when you are isolating, on lock down during a pandemic and not around anyone one or anything that may trigger you. The real test is the relationship enter after the abuse. Fast forward to 2020. I was in a new apartment, I was back to work after taking some time off to recover, was focusing on myself and one day, my person popped back into my life. It was serendipity. I started doing Kung Fu and Kickboxing and found my tribe and created a family at the gym. Just as I was getting back into my passions, work obligations got in the way. Not only was the pandemic stressful on the gym my partner owned and we operated, but my position in Vet Med was a source of intense additional stress. I wasn’t able to train because I was working 12-14 hours a day. I was being bullied at work by co workers and clients, and things at home were breaking down due to a mix of pandemic stress, work stress and unhealed trauma and triggers on both our ends. The relationship breakdown was the hardest thing I had ever gone through. I thought the break up with the Narcissist was hard, but this was harder. Why? Because I wasn’t just trying to heal trauma, I was trying to heal heartbreak. Heartbreak was not present in my former relationship. My brain and heart had checked out long before that relationship ended. But this one, this was different. It didn’t break down due to a lack of love. This threw me into a huge spiral, and back into my healing journey. I realized I had neglected myself and my recovery over the pandemic. I had PTSD from the abusive relationship layered over CPTSD from a complex upbringing and I was so consumed with how the gym ran, how the clinic ran, keeping up with restrictions, dealing with workplace trauma and bullying, that I didn’t even notice my stress levels or how much I had reverted back to my unhealed self. I was living off adrenaline for years and I didn’t even have the time to stop, reflect and process. So after the separation, I took time to really rediscover myself. I turned inwards, pointed the finger back at myself rather than other people. Looked at what I needed to work on by getting curious about my feelings. Identifying when I was feeling triggered, where that stemmed from and what shadow work I needed to do. I addressed my mental health and was reassessed and re-diagnosed with ADHD (changing my former diagnosis of OCD/Anxiety/Depression which I had been treating since I was 13). I changed medications, learned about myself, ADHD, how it manifests and what life changes I needed to make. This was lifechanging! I was able to think more clearly, regulate my emotions better and dedicated myself to changing my life patterns. I took accountability for my part in the relationship breakdown and tried to make amends with those that I felt I needed to reach out to. I was seeing my therapist weekly. I started making Vlogs to help other women with ADHD navigate their journey. I published a book I had started in 2019, but never completed, on Narcissistic abuse recovery. I started to find myself, be myself, my most authentic self. I leaned into my vulnerability and found it was a strength! I began forging a new path for myself. Then one dad in June 2023, I went to a fight night to support my ex’s gym and his fighter and took a moment to talk to the organizer who was Ajarn Khan Phady. I had known Ajarn Phady since my early 20s. He used to bring his guys to my uncle’s restaurant after every fight night back in the early 2000s. After a short chat, he told me to come by his gym and try a class and so I did. I was missing a big piece of my life. I love Kung fu, but wasn’t able to train at the gym any more and learning from anyone else didn’t seem right for various reasons. So I leaned into Muay Thai. I’ve always loved it, but never tried it. This seemed like a divinely guided opportunity! The gym was little far, but I was dedicated to getting back into training, and pushing myself to do things I was nervous or anxious to do. I remember the first time driving to Muay Thai. I was completely anxiety ridden! I didn’t know anyone and I heard there were no other women in the class. At my old gym, I had built a strong community. I had family. I was comfortable. This change was scary. I had never done Muay Thai before, and my nerves were all over the place. Suffering from crippling anxiety, I had to push myself with everything I had to show up for class, and for myself. I’m the kind of person that will turn around and go home if finding parking gives me anxiety, so showing up, finding the parking lot (it took me 5 minutes to find the entrance which was enough to make me want to turn around and go home), and going in was a big deal for me. It may seem very trivial for most, but when you have anxiety, the kind that tricks you into thinking the new, different, change and the unknown are unsafe, something as “simple” as walking into a new gym can seem like a massive obstacle. But I made it. I did it. Sept 1 accomplished. Step 2 was the class itself. The class was 2 hours. I knew I could do it; I used to attend the 4 hour competitive class at my old gym and was the only woman in that class too. The training wasn’t the issue, battling my mind was. But I did it, I made it, and I felt great! That spark came back. The fire reignited. I felt a drive, a passion, motivation and most importantly, I felt challenged. Training with Ajarn Phady wasn’t just about Muay Thai, he also took me under his wing. He helped me set goals. He gave me advice and would listen and help me through any situation with wisdom and a shift in perspective. He was instrumental in introducing me to, and connecting me with the Muay Thai community. Muay Thai filled a void and helped me find another outlet where I could temporarily forget about my trauma, heartbreak, life upheaval, the loss and the stress, and be me; genuinely me. At least for 2 hours a day. It’s helped me work through fears, anxieties, push my own limits and find something that lights my heart on fire but also brings my soul peace. It’s been healing on so many levels; physically, mentally and spiritually. The guidance I get from Ajarn Phady in all areas of my life in invaluable and his serenity, harmony, and peaceful and accepting nature is admirable and inspires me. My Krus also push me to be my best and work my hardest and provide an environment where I can grow and learn and be a lifelong student. It sounds silly, almost juvenile, but the sense of accomplishment I feel when they are proud is something I’ve searched for, sometimes without realizing it, my entire life. My broken inner child, the one that consistently thought she had to prove herself to be loved, and sought out validation and praise was finally acknowledged and validated. I started hearing “I’m proud of you” or “Good job today” or “You’re doing great”. Such simple sentiments that make a huge difference for anyone who fought to be seen and heard as a child. This journey has been life changing and for me on so many levels. Muay Thai will never replace Kung Fu in my heart, but I remind myself that one day, I’ll return to Kung Fu and complete that journey as well. You are never too old to start or return to your passions. All you need is to remember who you are and that you can do hard things because you are stronger than you think you are. Keep going, always. – Euraysia D.
