My name is Haley & this is my fightstory. When I was 15 I started to notice that my anxiety was being taken over by depression.
I was still just as anxious but I started to have really negative thoughts that were getting to the point of “I don’t care what happens. If I live, cool. If I die, well that works too.” So when I turned 16 I went and asked to be put on medication to help. Which it did for a while.
But we raised the medicine too fast too quickly. & teenagers are already limited on mental health medications are safe for them anyways. So when we raised it up more.. i spiraled down at lighting speed. I didn’t know what was going on. I just thought my brain was messed up. It never occurred to me that the medicine was what was causing me to spiral like I was.
One day I was home alone, & we had recently found out I had food allergies so we had a lot of bottles of Benadryl just laying around the house. I was in my room and I saw a bottle of Benadryl on my night stand. I never thought about taking my own life. If I died, it wouldn’t be the end of world.
But I wasn’t planning on attempting suicide. But I saw the Benadryl & I don’t know what caused me to break and decide to do it.. but next thing I know, I had taken a handful of Benadryl. (& we’re talking 35 pills) The bottle was full beforehand and my mom actually sat down and counted exactly how many were missing. After about 10 minutes of just hanging out.. I panicked.
I called my grandma who called my mom. My parents got me to a local hospital & I went through all the normal stuff they make you do.. but even though I told them I took the pills.. the medical staff didn’t believe me. I was out of it, struggling to walk, high as a kite, blurry vision & could barely stay awake.
But my labs didn’t show anything. So the doctors told my parents that I had faked it. They said that I flushed them down the toilet. Just give me time and I would admit it to them. I never did. Because I knew I took the pills & if they didn’t believe me.. oh well. Fast forward about 1 month.. I did the same thing.
Except I took 55+ pills this time. I didn’t panic at first. I just chilled out, waiting for the side effects to start to kick in. I started panicking around 25-30 minutes in. So I called my grandma again who called my mom. Mom rushed home, she was screaming for me to throw up but no matter how hard I tried.. I couldn’t. So they called 911.. the last thing I remember was feeling so hot that I laid down on the tile floor in the bathroom.
The next thing I remember, I was waking up hooked to all these different machines at the SAME local hospital that said I faked my first attempt. However, nobody told me I faked it this time. I was so out of it that I swore I could hear family members in the room who had passed away years ago. I kept messing with all the cords & machines so much that they threatened to restrain me. After I was cleared from that hospital.. I was sent to the pediatric level of a psychiatric hospital.. to get extra help and make sure I would attempt again.
At that hospital, I saw things I don’t think I could ever forget. But.. the doctor I saw at that hospital put me on one of the best medicines I’ve ever tried for my mental health. I still take it 10 years later. But, I basically played a game while I was there. You had to be there for a minimum of 5 days. So I acted perfectly normal (other than still getting trace handfuls of Benadryl out of my system) Because I wanted to go home. I needed out. I didn’t care if I got better or not.. I just needed out of that psych hospital ASAP. My parents asked me what i wanted to eat when I got out & I said pizza. So we went to Pizza Hut 30 minutes after I was free of the hell hole that was the psych hospital. My mom took a picture of me while we were there. I never thought anyone could look as defeated or as hollow as I felt… but that picture speaks for itself. It had been 6 days since I overdosed & I was still feeling some effects of the Benadryl. But.. looking at that picture, I looked exactly how I felt. I couldn’t hide it anymore. I was so excited to be with my parents again but.. I was still dead inside & that picture proves It.
I still keep that picture on my phone to this day.. 10 years later. All because I don’t ever want to forget where i was at my lowest. I want to remember so I can promise myself that I will NEVER get that low again.
Fast forward a few years.. & I had an amazing little dude & then got married to the best step dad in the world. I haven’t tried to take my life since then. I might struggle a lot. I might even wonder why I survived some days..
but at the end of the day..
I never tired to kill myself again. & that’s something I will always be proud of.