My name is Gerald. I’m 46 years old, a PhD student, an artist, a former fighter, and a lifelong martial artist. I’ve battled suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember. It’s been a quiet war…one that never ends with the sound of a bell.
I’ve also lost many people I love to suicide. Each loss cut deep, but the mat has always been where I could find my footing again. The repetition, the breath, the sound of gloves on pads…it all reminds me that I am still here, still capable of fighting back against the heaviness inside.
Martial arts teaches me that strength isn’t in how hard you hit…it’s in how many times you choose to stand back up and fight back. It has taught me to face my demons with honesty, to sit in pain instead of running from it, and to move through it with purpose.
Now, as a PhD student studying the intersections of mental health, art/martial arts, and resilience, I see how deeply connected these battles are. My research, my art, and my training are all part of the same story: the fight to stay alive and to make meaning out of struggle.
I’m sharing my story because I know what it feels like to think no one will understand. But there are people who do. People who have stood in the darkness and made it through. If you’re there now, hold on. You’re not alone. Keep fighting.